It's all my fault

So, today my son says I wanna go to my dads this week and I asked why...he said cause they let me do more stuff there.  I told him that he can't use that against us anymore because we have a kinect and fun games for us all now and I reinforced that discipline is better parenting..which a 5 yr old doesn't understand or respect at this point.  He asked to call his dad and I hesitated but decided that I can't punish him for his dad's mistakes.  He called and got voicemail and left a message saying just pay us gas money daddy, come and get me, it's not that hard.  He then hung up.  Ben then got upset at me for not just taking him there.  I told him we don't have gas to drive 6 hrs-12 total for the weekend and that if his dad wanted to help we could talk about it.  Ben told me that it's my fault and I should take him there.  He thinks this is all my fault.  I explained that his dad hasn't reached out as nicely as I could without saying, hey by the way, your dad doesn't care about anyone but himself.  Ben defends his dad saying that he works all the time and since I don't, I should take him there.  I work too, ben just doesn't want to see that.  I'm so guilty and overwhelmed for letting this happen.  It's all my fault for ever screwing up in the first place.  If I hadn't I wouldn't have Ben, but I can't bear the thought of putting ourselves through this for another 13 years.  I am being strong and making his dad take responsibility, however is it really benefiting anybody?  I'm so confused and tired of believing that things will change and seeing nothing.  I trust God with our futures but I really need ben to have stability.  How do you make yourself look good and explain that you're being the good one without trashing the other parent?  Legally, I am doing everything by the book, realistically I'm a hot mess!  When will it end?  Let this be a lesson to anyone having premarital relations...STOP!!  It's not worth the instand gratification. 

when the pot calls the kettle black

I am currently in an odd situation.  I have primary custody of my son who is supposed to see his dad every other weekend and holiday.  I have been more than nice and compliant with his childish demands.  I have also put up with his smart comments, rude behavior, and disrespect.  He was ordered by the court to pay $160/month in child support, yet I am luck to receive $100 every 3-4 months.  He lies on his taxes, meaning he is paid under the table as he is his own co-boss.  He expects me to take our son the full 6 hours round trip every 2 weeks and he does the return trip, which would seem fair because the contract stated that we split the financial responsibility of travel.  He is also responsible for his health insurance which he has never paid.  We pay for everything, school, clothes, toys, extras, etc..as a parent should.  Why should I be required to waste 6 hours of my busy day traveling when I could give him $15 bucks and make him travel the whole way?  Legally I could offer that, but he won't give in.  I have done that in the past and kept the text messages of him refusing my money.  I am tired of him thinking he can make all the rules.  I have primary custody and I reserve the right to make decisions that are best for my son.  His dad says I am insensitive, mean, and a bad mom.  He says if I can't afford him (because I ask for child support every 6 months) then he will just take him.  He can't pay the support, how does he think he will support him?  Maybe if he put more effort into his son then his girlfriend and her 3 kids, I would trust him more.  I am so frustrated with controlling, mean, bossy, manipulative men.  I refuse to be a victim of his bullying.  I need to do what's best for us all and that is standing up for myself and not letting him control me anymore.  My husband is supportive, but not involved in the drama as of yet, but I think he is about to step in.  I have been nice and tried to be the bigger person, but it's gotten me nowhere.  I pray for his father and them all quite often and I just want my prayers answered.  I want peace and I want my son to see his father in Heaven.