If I hear....again, I'll.....

We've all been there, you know, to the point where there is that one phrase that if you hear it again you'll live out the daydream sequence that we all have imagined at some point.  I'm talking about when you're mother says, why don't you go back to school and finish your nursing degree?  Or, honey are those clothes appropriate for your body type?  We all have at least one phrase that could send us over the edge.  I am at the point right now where I could just let everything out that I've held in for 15 years.  I want so badly to tell my mother that I am 29, a wife, mother of three, and quite capable of making my own decisions.  
Now, don't get me wrong and think that I don't love and respect her, it's just that I've heard it so many times that I can't take it anymore.  I don't hear you saying that to my sister who got her teaching degree and never once taught in her own classroom.  For goodness sakes, she spent thousands on school and I spent only $1500 due to it being a technical college and scholarships.  
Does my mother know deep down that I'm smart, capable, and good at what I do, or is she ashamed of me for quitting so closely to getting a degree of some sort?

Why this rant today?  I rant because I am tired of ones around us influencing our decisions by guilt, manipulation, or some other hidden way that we have yet to realize.  I see too many people sitting stagnant because they're afraid of being the black sheep, outcast, different one, or one that possibly ruins a family tradition.  It is time for our generation of young mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers to rise up and take charge of our own lives.  

I personally choose to follow God's will for my life and love to LIVE with a sense of purpose, not duty.  If I want to help people each day in some way, I find a way, however it may not bring in the money.  It is time for us to take control of our lives, listen to what God is telling us and calling us to do, and make a positive step in that direction each day; even when it looks ridiculous to ones around us. 

No matter what you believe, who you listen to, or what your passion

One of my passions is my kids and all the crazy that comes with them!

is, follow your dreams.  It's never too late to start, but someday it will be the finish, so let's start the race before it ends so we can fulfill each of our destiny.

Here's to finding your passion and running with it!

mommy makeover??

I am at a point right now where I just want a makeover.  My hair is dreary and blah, my make-up is the same old look all the time, and my clothes are too comfortable to be cute most of the time.  They say new moms shouldn't sit around in yoga pants all day, but why wear pants that must make me feel bad about myself?  I buy things bigger when it comes to pants so my belly doesn't stand out because I feel there is nothing worse than people not understanding their body types and making themselves look bigger than they are.  I starting buying new pieces one at a time and am beginning to reinvent myself when it comes to style, but my question is, how?  I am on a budget and I have 3 kids, one of which I still carry in a car seat so heals and cuteness don't feel so great or look that graceful either.  I mean, come on, you can look hot and sexy until you fall over due to wearing heels that are way to thin and tall for you, do you follow me? I see some chicks that aren't dealing with kids that look like they're walking on glass.  Do you think that is hot?  I'll answer that for you, NO!  So, are flats out and heels in, or is comfy style ok whithin reason? 
Soon I am starting DDP yoga with my husband so hopefully my slight belly won't be an issue much longer.  I'll keep you posted about how that goes. 

Happy parenting to you!


Lisa

Robot Mom

As you may know, I am a mother of three wonderful children.  What you may not know is that I feel like a robot sometimes.  As a parent, it seems as though we get into a routine which often becomes so natural that we don't think, we just do it.  Some would say that is a good thing, but for me, it has a downside.  I am the type of person that likes to live my life and enjoy everything that I do, not just observe.  I try to soak in every adorable moment with my infant and near 3yr. old, but then still have the near 7yr. old to spend time with.  I adore all of my children and am so grateful to have such smart, cute, and caring kids, but I often find that I am just going through the motions and supressing vital emotions throughout my days.
Take for example, this week already...(it's only Tuesday)....I am already not feeling so great thanks to being a female and the things that come along with it, my son has been sick for a week and he not so conveniently forgets to cover his mouth, blow his nose, or wash his hands on a regular basis, so I am annoyed and disgusted at the germs being spread....I am somewhat germophobic.  Taking all that into account, our finances are shot.  I mean there is NO MONEY until Friday with the exception of a small child support payment that will go straight to my gas tank since I am on E yet again.  I want to enjoy time with my young girls, but when the 3 month old is screaming due to teething, the 2 year old wants to play, and I am trying to get my son to do his 4 days worth of homework due to being home sick from school, I just don't have it in me to play "happy mommy". 
This brings me to my robot mom point.  I am so run dry, worn out, frustrated, depressed, and angry about things but I can't even express my feelings in the right way.  I had pushed them so far down to be a good mom that I couldn't even access them to process them.  I just want to have a good cry and get it all out, but it's like I can't let my own guard down long enough to cry it out.  I am always thinking that I don't have time to feel emotions because my daughter needs breakfast, another needs a diaper, and the house needs cleaned. 
When is it ok to throw in the towel and admit that I am not a super mom?  I don't want to seem incapable, weak, or lazy to my husband or anyone else I may ask for help or just talk to, so I become a robot that does what she's expected to do and doesn't ask questions or stop for a minute. 
Oh, and to top it all off, I was getting the girls out of the van after taking my son to the bus stop and slid on the drive way while holding my 2 year old.  I hurt my leg and backside in the process, along with soaking my pants and freezing my tail off in the snow. 
When does the chaos end?  Is it possible to be the best mom I can be, have a clean house, a social life, a healthy relationship with God, a healthy relationship with my husband, and volunteer my time at church or wherever else?  Why would God give me the desire to do things if I can't handle all of the responsibility?  I want to be the best at what I do, but maybe I just need to be the best ME I can be and accept that for what it is.  I want to be what God called me to be and nothing else.  I want people to see the Jesus in me, not the just the mom in me.  I want to be taken seriously and respected as a person, not just a mom who is good at juggling things....does that make sense to anyone?  If you relate, please feel free to comment.  Good luck to you all and God bless!

why? I want to know why...

I am fed up with things right now.  My faith has been tested over and over again and I have remained strong in my faith through it all.  In saying that, I have had it.  Why must my husband have to work 4 jobs in all the free time he has just to support us?  I was let go from my job 2 months ago or so and am now a stay at home mother to 2.  I am 8 months pregnant with our 3rd and should be having fun planning and getting things ready, but am I?  No because we have no money to buy things, no free time together to set things up, and no childcare so we can be free to do what we need to do without distraction.  We are hard workers, church going, God believing, and loyal people, so why us?  Is it because God is testing us and our faith, or is it possibly that this is life and we all must deal with it?  I get so down when I see my friends and family going out, buying things, having fun, etc. while I sit at home with my kids day after day because we have no money to do anything. I hear people say they're broke or tight on money, but yet see them out to dinner with friends that I turned down and going shopping for things that I can only wish of having at this time.  Are we all broke and we are the only disciplined ones or are they all better off and just saying they're tight?  I often wonder if people get it when we say we're broke...we mean we have no extra money.  This week my husband had to use my credit card to get gas for work since he drives an hour each way.  He stays in town 2-3 times a week to save gas, so we don't get to see him as often as we'd like which adds more stress to me because it is up to me to cook, clean, do homework, discipline, bathe the kids, potty train and clean up after accidents, do bedtime routines and more every night all by myself.  I understand that I'm a stay at home mom so it is expected of me, however I am 8 months pregnant, supposed to rest and can't because I'm always needed by one kid for something.  We can't even afford a babysitter for one night to just get away and relax....if we could, we would, but wait we would need money to go do something.  You see what I'm saying here?  This is a horrible cycle and I don't know how to stop it.  My husband keeps looking for Executive chef jobs that would pay signifigantly more, however they are hard to come by.  I want to go back to school after I have the baby, but how?  If we can't afford childcare how will I go?  I already have student loan debt from other college days.  I am so overwhelmed and tired.  I am a free spirit, I don't like to plan out my life, I just want to enjoy it again.  Why must the world revolve around money?  My world revolves around God and belief that he will provide what we need and more, but when will things happen for us?  We are faithful and dilligent in all that we do, so why does it seem that those who cheat, lie, treat people like crap, and don't care succeed?  Why must there be so many questions in life?  God never said life would be easy, however I would appreciate a break here and there to breathe and enjoy my family and friends without constantly worrying if there is money to pay for gas there and back, a cheap meal, clothes for the kids and so on.  I write this because I'm sure I'm not the only Christian out there that has these thoughts.  Many people put on a brave face and say they have faith, but deep down feel defeated like I do right now.  I am always talking about faith to my husband and encouraging him to believe that things will work out, but I don't have it in me to even tell myself that today.  God is great!  He takes care of us, looks out for us, provides for us, and does more than we can see, so I feel bad doubting his plan, but as a human some things just don't make sense.  I do believe that God has a bigger plan for us that we can't even imagine, but I would like to see a glimpse of it.  I don't want to fade away, I want to do things with my life, give to people in need, show my kids the amazing world God created, and enjoy life the way God intended us to. 
So, in closing I will say if you feel this way too, pray!  Pray for yourself and believe deep down that it will come to pass, pray for others that you know and don't know.  The power of prayer is amazing and if we would all put our faith together and truly believe that change will come, I know it can and will. 

It's all my fault

So, today my son says I wanna go to my dads this week and I asked why...he said cause they let me do more stuff there.  I told him that he can't use that against us anymore because we have a kinect and fun games for us all now and I reinforced that discipline is better parenting..which a 5 yr old doesn't understand or respect at this point.  He asked to call his dad and I hesitated but decided that I can't punish him for his dad's mistakes.  He called and got voicemail and left a message saying just pay us gas money daddy, come and get me, it's not that hard.  He then hung up.  Ben then got upset at me for not just taking him there.  I told him we don't have gas to drive 6 hrs-12 total for the weekend and that if his dad wanted to help we could talk about it.  Ben told me that it's my fault and I should take him there.  He thinks this is all my fault.  I explained that his dad hasn't reached out as nicely as I could without saying, hey by the way, your dad doesn't care about anyone but himself.  Ben defends his dad saying that he works all the time and since I don't, I should take him there.  I work too, ben just doesn't want to see that.  I'm so guilty and overwhelmed for letting this happen.  It's all my fault for ever screwing up in the first place.  If I hadn't I wouldn't have Ben, but I can't bear the thought of putting ourselves through this for another 13 years.  I am being strong and making his dad take responsibility, however is it really benefiting anybody?  I'm so confused and tired of believing that things will change and seeing nothing.  I trust God with our futures but I really need ben to have stability.  How do you make yourself look good and explain that you're being the good one without trashing the other parent?  Legally, I am doing everything by the book, realistically I'm a hot mess!  When will it end?  Let this be a lesson to anyone having premarital relations...STOP!!  It's not worth the instand gratification. 

when the pot calls the kettle black

I am currently in an odd situation.  I have primary custody of my son who is supposed to see his dad every other weekend and holiday.  I have been more than nice and compliant with his childish demands.  I have also put up with his smart comments, rude behavior, and disrespect.  He was ordered by the court to pay $160/month in child support, yet I am luck to receive $100 every 3-4 months.  He lies on his taxes, meaning he is paid under the table as he is his own co-boss.  He expects me to take our son the full 6 hours round trip every 2 weeks and he does the return trip, which would seem fair because the contract stated that we split the financial responsibility of travel.  He is also responsible for his health insurance which he has never paid.  We pay for everything, school, clothes, toys, extras, etc..as a parent should.  Why should I be required to waste 6 hours of my busy day traveling when I could give him $15 bucks and make him travel the whole way?  Legally I could offer that, but he won't give in.  I have done that in the past and kept the text messages of him refusing my money.  I am tired of him thinking he can make all the rules.  I have primary custody and I reserve the right to make decisions that are best for my son.  His dad says I am insensitive, mean, and a bad mom.  He says if I can't afford him (because I ask for child support every 6 months) then he will just take him.  He can't pay the support, how does he think he will support him?  Maybe if he put more effort into his son then his girlfriend and her 3 kids, I would trust him more.  I am so frustrated with controlling, mean, bossy, manipulative men.  I refuse to be a victim of his bullying.  I need to do what's best for us all and that is standing up for myself and not letting him control me anymore.  My husband is supportive, but not involved in the drama as of yet, but I think he is about to step in.  I have been nice and tried to be the bigger person, but it's gotten me nowhere.  I pray for his father and them all quite often and I just want my prayers answered.  I want peace and I want my son to see his father in Heaven. 

True to you

Today my son got picked up by his father who gets him about once a month for a week or so.  In seeing him again, it immediately brings up old issues.  Why is it that I care so much about what people think?  I mean, I was self conscious of my home and how it looked because we're in the process of moving.  Things were thrown everywhere and it was a mess.  I immediately thought about what he was thinking.  Why should it matter?  When we were together, the house was never clean enough for him.  He always had a problem with what I did.  So, my question today is, why do we care about what others think?  No matter who you are or who your person or people are that you want to impress, I want to know, why do we care?  Chime in please.